Congruence, Intent, and Why You Are Being Friend-Zoned.

Imagine this, you meet a girl and for one reason or another you’re just not getting a sexual vibe but you have similar interests so you get her number to hang out.  3 days go by chatting back and forth about hobbies, goals, and the usual banter you would have with your buddies, nothing sexual at all, leading up to you two hanging out having a few beers and shooting pool.  At this point you’re thinking wow this is a cool girl, it would be nice to do this more often.  As soon as you wrap up the night and exit the bar, she blindsides you by grabbing your hand spinning you around and trying to kiss you.  You’re so taken aback you nearly trip over yourself while stammering “wow, I didn’t know you thought of me like that, I think of you as more of a friend”.

Does this situation sound familiar?  It probably does, but not from the same perspective portrayed above.  So what went wrong for the girl in this situation, was she not hot enough?  Was she weird and socially inept?  Neither, her two major flaws (as some of you clever dogs might have guessed from the title) are not being congruent and not showing intent early.  Let’s be honest, most of us have been the girl in this situation more times than we would have liked, but I wanted to try and give you an idea of how it looks with the shoe on the other foot.  Before I get into how we can improve these things let me just explain a little bit about congruence and intent.


Congruence is you having your actions and words align, allowing you to portray yourself as genuine.  For example, think if you meet a girl, she’s wearing a nice dress,  has her hair and nails done, and she has the latest Jimmy Choo’s but she’s telling you she likes death metal, goes to moshes on the weekend, and works a physical labor construction job.  You probably wouldn’t believe her initially and alarms might go off in your head because things aren’t lining up the way they should.  Girls that mosh, work construction and listen to death metal don’t wear Jimmy Choo’s, something is not right here.  The same thing happens to guys all the time when it comes to girls because they will talk about trivial shit for 2-3 days before hanging out with a girl and then try to amp up the sexuality in person and it’s not congruent with the intent they are projecting in the 2-3 days of prior conversation.  Red flags go off in the girls mind because your sexual actions aren’t congruent with your friendly, platonic conversation of the past 3 days and you end up crashing and burning.  This leads me to the next piece of the puzzle, intent.

Intent is demonstrating to the girl what you’re after.  Are you looking to be friends, are you looking for a business connection, are you trying to find a long term relationship, or are you looking for more of a friends with benefits?  Whatever it may be you need to demonstrate your intent from the get-go so your actions can be congruent with your words.  When the two align you build trust, and trust is the corner stone of all relationships.


So how do you demonstrate intent?  You do it by steering the conversation towards your intended goals while giving subtle clues as to what you’re looking for out of the relationship between you and your new acquaintance.  While you do this, your goal is to see how she reacts to your intent.  If it’s favorable keep your foot on the gas pedal moving closer to your goal.  If she didn’t react well slow down and try to approach it from another angle.  There are a lot of times when two people have different intents and are too far apart to sway either person enough to continue talking, which is fine on to the next one.  Once you realize a girl has responded to your intent favorably it’s time to make your actions congruent with your words.

Being congruent is easy if you have already defined your intent and you and the girl are on the same page.  It comes down to carrying yourself and acting as someone with your expressed intent should act.  I’ll use an extreme example here of what wouldn’t be congruent.

Let’s say you meet a girl and she’s started her own business and you happen to be an accountant and told her you would take a look at her numbers.  She happily agrees and gives you her number.  Over the next few days you chat about where you both went to school, what drove you to pursue your career paths, and basically stuff about business and careers.  You finally meet her a few days later and sit awkwardly close to her for an encounter that is supposed to be about business.  You place your hand on her thigh while explaining some numbers to her and before you know it she pretends she has to go to the bathroom.  When she gets back you notice she stands further away from you and pulls her chair towards her as she sits.  You just blew it, alarms are going off in her head because your actions weren’t congruent with your expressed intent which was to help her look at her business numbers.

While this is an extreme example it happens all the time to guys who blindly walk into the friend zone.  The reason it happens is because they don’t express sexual intent early enough when they meet a girl, so by the time they do, the girl has already put you into a category of a guy with friendly intentions, and we all know how hard it is to reverse that.  Also some guys don’t express sexual intent at all and when they hang out with a girl, the girl is blindsided by the guy’s sexual actions because they aren’t congruent with the intent of friendship which he has been feeding her for the past few days.


To sum it up if you don’t want to find yourself in the friend zone make sure you are expressing sexual intent early.  You need to let her know you are into her as more than friends from the start.  When you do this, the next time you hang out you can get more physical because your actions will be congruent with your intent.

Brandon R.
Lead coach- My goal is to help men have thriving social lives, and guide them to becoming the best versions of themselves.

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